Our shattered hearts
by Hwasabi Mon
Summary: During Kate's break down in Kill shot, Castle follows her. Things are going AU from there. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello everyone. I know I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I was practically computer-less for a pretty long time. About Methods of a Mother, I am sorry if I am going to disappoint someone, but I don't intend on continuing it. I still haven't marked it as complete, but I kinda like the way I left it. Who knows, maybe, sometime in the future, I will add something to it, maybe do a sequel. For now, enjoy this little fic that came to my mind at 2am… I am not going to say it is a one-shot ( we know how that worked out the last time.) but I don't intend to continue it as well. Only if you really liked it. And now, finally, on with the story.**

 **Summary: During Kate's bre** **ak down in Kill shot, Castle follows her. Things are going AU from there.**

 **Disclaimer: Sadly, I don** **'t own anything associated with Castle.**

* * *

 ** _Our shattered hearts_**

 _ **-** chapter 1_

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" **Why me?** What did I do? Why is somebody trying to kill me?"

"Emily have you seen anybody watching you lately?" she was proud that her voice wasn't shaking. Much.

"No.. I.. I don't know…" only more incoherent sounds of fear and confusion came out of Emily's mouth. Kate was only vaguely aware of the EMT saying something about hospital. Oh god, hospital. With so many instruments to pierce your skin, to save your life, to leave a reminder of what happened in it's wake.

It was all too much. Her vision was blurring, hands shaking, vivid images of her stay in that white room, shattered by the searing pain erupting within the confines of her whole body, her chest, her lungs. Her heart. The whole world started to spin uncontrollably, her head pounding, _Come on, Kate. Get a grip._ All of sudden, Emily's hand was gripping her arm, holding on for a dear life.

"No, he's still outside." The woman's cries of fear penetrated Kate's thoughts. _He's still outside. He's still outside._ Those words echoed in her mind, filling her with gut-clenching fear, her spine stiffening with the ravenous emotion. He's still outside, because she let him. Because she was incapable of catching him. "Emily, you are going to be fine." As if that was even possible. It was all too much, too much for her heart and mind to take it. Oh God, she needs to get out of here.

She ran to the first door she could find, her flight instinct winning over the fight, Castle's voice calling her name only a whisper at the back of her mind. Fear consumed her thoughts, confusion, hurt, and every other emotion she had been holding in since the funeral lacing through every cell and fiber of her being. The words from a few months ago sprung to her mind.

 _Kate, I love you. I love you Kate._ Oh, Castle. How much she must've hurt him.

Her thoughts now running completely free, something she didn't let herself do from the day her captain died, either. Everything was too much. Her jacket, her badge, her gun. Suffocating her. Slowly killing her from the inside. Reminding her of all the things she couldn't do and say and now it's too late. As she said to Castle the other night, everybody was gone. Oh God, Castle. Even in her delirious state, her mind always wandered back to Castle.

Always. _Always._ But how could he possibly love her, this weak form of her, when he saw her at her best? How could he admire this weak Kate, when Beckett was all he saw at the precinct? He couldn't, and he shouldn't have to. Anguish filled her head, her heart, her whole being. He couldn't. Castle couldn't love her anymore.

She could feel her knees buckle at the realization. Her back hit the wall, slowly sliding down onto the floor, her weak knees finding their way to her chest, holding the last pieces of her body together as her heart fell apart.

* * *

 **Castle had been helplessly watching her disappear behind the thick door, the thing creating another barrier, another wall between them.** He came closer, his mind in the middle of a raging war. He knew he should respect her privacy, but his protective instinct was kicking in, wanting to help her, to hold her, his whisper a soothing presence in her ear. He wanted his body to engulf her. Protect her from the world. But that is not what they do.

He didn't even realize when his body became pressed against the wooden door, his ear straining to hear something, to let him know that she was okay.

A muffled thud could be heard from the other side of the door. His hand was ready at the handle, his body fighting against his own mind. But all his restraint went to hell when he heard an unmistakable sound of sniffling. Oh my God, Kate Beckett was crying. Every sound, every cry, filled with anguish, pushed his hand lower on the handle. He didn't even realize it. By the time his hand finally pushed the handle all the way down, gasps were filling his ears.

"Castle…" his name came out of her mouth on a shaky whisper. It was the last thing he needed, that invisible power breaking what was left of his resolve, to hear Kate calling, consciously or not, for his help made something tick inside him. Kate needed him, and screw privacy, screw everything, he needed to help her. His last thought before he crossed the threshold (metaphorical and literall) was that he had to help her.

"Beckett?...Kate?" he tried when she didn't react. Her head turned towards him, so she obviously registered the sound of his voice. That made him hope that maybe she wasn't completely gone, but when her head turned to fully face him, her eyes were glaced over, unseeing.

"I am so sorry." He almost didn't understand what she was saying because her breath kept hitching and her whole body was shaking from the force of her cries.

"What?"

"I am so sorry, Castle."

"What are you sorry for, Kate?" but instead of an answer, all he got was more hiccupping and crying and a few more I am sorry-s.

* * *

 **Rick was at loss as what to do now.** He knew that Kate wanted privacy, but she was clearly in no condition to even register him being there, much less to take care of this, of whatever this is, by herself. And there was no universe in which he would leave her crying on the floor all alone. He noticed that her hand kept returning to her chest every few seconds, landing on her heaving chest. And then it hit him.

The bullet wound.

The case.

The sniper.

He took out his phone.

"Yo, bro!" Rick heard after a few seconds.

"Hey, Espo. I need your help."

"Is everything ok, man?" Esposito immediately latched onto the concern in his voice.

"I don't…no. Everything is not ok. It´s Kate… I think she´s-" it was hard to explain what he was seeing right now. He had never seen Kate look this vulnerable. "I think she is having a panic attack."

"What makes you say that? What is she doing?" Castle could hear the same concern he felt coming from the other side of the line.

"Well… she is whimpering, thrashing around and clutching her chest. And she isn't responding to me. At all. Espo, I can see the terror in her eyes, what am I supposed to do?" he was getting frantic now. He had to help her.

"Okay, man. First of all, you need to calm down." When he didn't hear anything from the other side, Espo continued. "Take a deep breath."

"Don't tell me to tak-" Castle was starting to get angry. Espo was supposed to help him and Kate just kept thrashing and crying.

"I mean it, bro." when he didn't get a response to that, he added: "She needs you." After a few moments of silence, he could hear puffing, indicating that Castle followed through. "Okay. Now you need to calm her down a bit because she could hurt herself. I know she still isn't one hundred percent from the shooting. Talk to her… you know just be your usual self. Try to get her home or something."

"Okay, thanks Espo." And with that he ended the call. He felt somewhat calmer now that he has a goal. Take care of Kate. Lessen her pain. Help her.

Kate was thrashing around when he knelt next to her, his knees just barely touching her hip. He pulled his head away in the last second, Kate´s fisted hand just barely missing his nose.

"Hey, hey Kate…easy. It´s me, Castle." He said, trying to make his voice come out as soothing, when internally he was freaking out. He caught her hand with his.

"Castle?" Kate asked, utterly confused.

"Yeah." That seemed to break through. She threw her arms around his neck and the flow of tears that had finally stopped just a few moments ago started with much bigger intensity. Kate´s head landed on his shoulder, safely tucked under his chin. He could feel her hot pants on his neck, her tears drenching his dress shirt. His arms instinctively wrapped around her waist. He straightened his legs, his back hitting the white wall in the process, and pulled Kate into his lap, her head never moving from his shoulder.

"I am so sorry Castle. So, so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" now he was the one who was completely confused.

"I am sorry…for… lying. Castle I am so sorry." He knew that it was selfish, but he still tried to get more out of her. But he realized really soon that, at the moment, she wasn't capable of saying anything other than I am sorry. So he just sat there with her in his arms and waited until her hiccups and cries were reduced to occasional whimper or sniffle. After what felt like hours, but in reality was more like half an hour, he realized that this is the best that she would get at the moment and Rick knew that he had to get her out of here.

Rick suspected that she was still miles away from here, and his suspicion was only confirmed when she didn't protest when he tried to stand up with her still in his arms. With a little struggle caused by his knees (no, he definitely wasn't getting old) he managed to stand up and get his hand under Kate´s knees to hold her up in his arms. He somehow managed to open the door and sneak around all the officers at the scene. He knew that Kate wouldn't want anyone, even him, to see her like this, much less a half of the 12th that was currently present.

He was suddenly very relieved when he remembered that they all went to the crime scene in Espan´s cruiser because he didn´t think he was capable of letting Kate go for even a second. He sat at the nearest bench that he could find, making one of his hands let go of Kate´s back to pull out his phone and call his car service. Not even ten minutes later, a black car appeared.

With a little help from driver, which consisted of opening the door for Castle and then closing it afterwards, Castle managed to get into his seat, not letting go of Beckett in the process. When they arrived to his building, Eduardo opened the door for them, looking quite concerned. But one look on Castle´s face told him not to ask. So he just called the elevator and returned to his post, but not before wishing Castle a good night.

Castle tried half-heartedly to send the man a smile. His focus was solely on Kate. She seemed to calm down during their ride and she was almost asleep on his shoulder by the time Martha opened the door to the loft.

"Oh my, Richard, What happened? Is she ok?"

"I hope so." He said, concern once again taking over his voice. "Where´s Alexis?"

"She´s upstairs, she had been studying all afternoon and called it a night about a half an hour ago."

"Okay." Castle answered, already heading for his bedroom.

"But Richard, What happened to Katherine?"

"I am not sure." Castle stopped in his tracks, a desperate look in his eyes. "I´m going to put her down in the bedroom."

"Oh, Kiddo!" Martha realized that now wasn't the time to ask questions and demand answers, so she let her son go with last: "Take care of her." Castle didn´t reply to that, just crossed the short distance from his office to the bedroom. He heard footsteps on the stairway, indicating that his mother called it a night as well.

Kate woke up from her light slumber when he put her on the bed. He started to get her jacket off.

"Castle?...What? What are you doing?" her voice was barely audible from the crying.

"Don't worry, Kate. I just want you to be comfortable." He was a bit surprised when she was okay with that, guessing that she still wasn't one hundred per cent back. He got her shoes and socks off. He hoped that, in the morning when she woke up, she wouldn't kill him for taking her pants off too. He got her under the covers, watching her face for a few minutes. Her face started to look more and more relaxed and after a while, she was sleeping like a rock.

Rick considered sliding under the covers with her, but decided that he liked his face the way it was, so he did the second best thing that he could at the moment. He pulled a chair from the corner of the room as close to her bed as he could, got as comfortable as possible and started his watch. If Beckett was awake now, she´d probably call him creepy again.

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 **When Martha woke up in the middle of the night due to the storm outside and went to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water, she decided to check on her son.** What she found in the bedroom shouldn't have surprised her at all. Rick was still sitting in the chair, but his arms were thrown around Kate´s waist, his head pillowed at her stomach, even unconsciously trying to protect her from the world.

"Oh, Darling." Martha sighed, knowing that even if she woke him up, he wouldn't leave Kate´s side. So she just threw one blanket from the bed over his back, ran her hand through his hair and left.

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 **A/N: *** _All mistakes are mine_ *****

 **Okay, so this is it. I hope you liked it. If you did, please leave me a review, it will totally make my day. If you have any ideas or have something**

 **you´d like me to write, don´t hesitate to PM me or leave a review. Also, constructive critism is welcome :)**

 **Xx Monica**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Update of OSH! Shocking, I know. I didn´t really have time to write anything and even if I did, my muse just wouldn´t kick me. And I found myself dried of creative energy (School, math especially, you know how it is when you don´t understand a thing :D) But anyway, here ´s a new chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: No, I didn´t win a lottery in the last couple of weeks so sadly, no. I don´t own Castle.**

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 _ **Our shattered hearts**_

 _chapter 2_

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 **The first thing she noticed when her awerness returned was that she felt weird.** Her matress felt off, her pillow felt off, her blanket felt off. And why couldn´t she breath properly?

Her eyelids felt heavy but she tried to open them anyway. When her eyes finally relented and opened, a harsh sunlight blinded her for a few seconds. So that´s what woke her up. Or maybe it was the body on top of her, the mass of hair pillowed at her stomach. So there goes her breathing problem.

Castle was practically sprawled on top of her. He had his hands tightly bound around her waist and his hand was fisted in her shirt, just above her hip. It´s probably going to leave a bruise, because he was holding it so tight, so strong, as if he was afraid to let go. To let her go. She could feel the hot puffs of air on her stomach where her shirt rode up some time during the night. She was even more confused when sharp and hot wave of arousal swept trouhgt her. Well, it wasn´t really surprising that Castle managed to arouse her even when he was asleep, but why was Castle lying on top of her, in what is so obviously not her bedroom?

She tried to get up without disturbing him. But her efforts fell shor the second she moved her legs.

„Kate?" Well. She felt a shiver run through her when she heard her name coming out of his mouth, his voice still raspy from sleep and his hair toulused and standing up at weird angles around his head. She never thought she would describe as cute, but in this moment, lying on top of her and confused, he looked completely and uterlly adorable. „Hey."

„Um...hey?"

He looked at with his blue eyes filled with confusion. Gosh, if he was always this cute in the morning, maybe she´d conside- No. Not going there, not now. Not when Castle is still lying on top of her, his hands making circular motions on her hips- Wha.. when did that happen? But it was really doing it for her. Ok, time to stop those thoughts. They aren´t apropriate, especially not when she was still lying in his bed. Well, it had to be his bed because it was the softest thing she had ever laid her head on. Why was she in his bed again?

„Could you...?" she motioned with her hand somewhere in his general direction, trying not to move too much. After all, his body was still pressed to hers in places she would rather like him to touch her when there was no clothing included and certainly no sleep... yeah not helping.

„Yeah...right, sorry!" he tried to push himself up without touching any more than he already had. She knew they had to talk about what happened and Castle will probably want some answers, but she hoped that they could put it off for at least a little while.

He got offo f her but didn´t make any move to leave. Actually, he did the excact opossite. She felt the bed dip to the right when he sat down by her hip. The look in his eyes made her feel strangerly vulnerable with his eyes drinking her in, her small form dwarfed in his big bed and luxurious sheets. He looked as if he was memorizing every little crease, every contour highlited by the first streams of light escaping through the blinds. His eyes locked on hers and what she saw in his eyes made her heart leapijng and butterflies errupting in her stomach.

His eyes were full of love.

For her.

The look got so intense that she was sure if the connection lasted she would do something really stupid. Like kiss him. Or worse. So, with all of the will power and reluctance she possesed, she broke the eye contact, pushed the covers down but regretted it immediately when cool air created goose bumps on her stomach. Right. Her shirt had ridden up in her sleep. On Castle´s account though, he didn´t even blink and it made her strangerly proud that his eyes didn´t immediately go for her chest. He just kept looking into her eyes with this intense look.

She didn´t know what to say. After all, it wasn´t exactly usual to wake up in someone else´s bed and find that someone half lying on top of you and half sitting in a chair after the already named someone had to take you home because you weren´t able to move. So she tried to aim for casual.

„Mor- Morning, Rick. Um, Castle..." Really smooth, Kate. Get a grip!

Her incoherence seemed to amuse him because he got this soft smile on his face.

„Morning." The smile only seemed to get wider. „Sleep well?"

„Well, under the circumstances, yeah. Really well." After seeing his confused look, she continued: „The panic attacks, not exactly the best lullaby."

„Beckett-" he tried to say something but she didn´t let him, she had already revealed too much.

„Do you happen to have some coffee?" It was him who didn´t let her finish this time.

„Kate." The sound of her first name stopped her from swinging her legs out of the bed. He didn´t normally use her first name, so it got her distracted enough for him to continue.

„I have tons of questions right now but first, are you ok?" she was ready for some questions, but this one caught her of guard. Did she look OK last night?

„Uh, what?"

„Are you hurt? Phisically I mean." Oh. She almost broke his nose last night and he was worried about her? Oh gosh, did she really almost hurt him? Again?

„Yeah, I´m fine." He didn´t look convinced. „Really."

„Ok." And the next thing she knew, his arms were engulfing her and her head was in the crook of his neck. She was shocked at first, but her body responded automatically, her arms wrapping around his waist without her consent. His hands were rubbing between her shoulder blades now but soon travelled to her lower back, settling there.

„I´m so, so sorry, Kate." What? He was just shocking her this morning.

„What? What are you sorry for? I should be the one-"

„No, you don´t understand. I´m so sorry for all the pain I put you through. I´m so sorry. If I´d only been faster, If only had I seen the sniper a second sooner."

No. No, this wasn´t supposed to be happening! He thought it was his... Ugh, how long has he been blaming himself and she didn´t even notice? She realized that he was still rambling, so she decided to step in. It was time to make things right.

„Rick." Her voice finally made him stop and now he was looking at her, and were that, were that tears in his eyes? „It wasn´t your fault."

„How come it wasn´t-"

„Because it just wasn´t, okay?" she noticed that he seemed to want to object again so she continued. „It wasn´t your fault that I was shot." Silence. It was the first time they actually said shot.

„It´s not your fault that I decided to look into my mothers murder, it´s not your fault that I put myself in danger and it certainly isn´t your fault that I was shot. You weren´t the one to pull the trigger."

„If I haven´t looked into your mother´s murder then-"

„Then the same thing would have happened, sooner or later." She had an idea on what this was all about so she sat up to fully face him. She took his face into her hands and looked right into his eyes to make sure she had his full attention. „Nobody blames you for what happened, okay? Least of all me." The hope that flashed in his eyes at her words almost broke her heart. How could he believe that she blamed him for what happened? Did she really mislead him so much? Ok, she had to fix this and fast. This thing, the blame, was not ok.

„You should." His voice was so small that she almost didn´t hear him.

„Rick... look at me." She said when she didn´t get his attention. When he lifted his eyes back up to meet hers, the wind got knocked out of her lungs. His eyes were full of tears on anguish, first ones already rolling down his cheeks. She wanted nothing more than to comfort him but they needed to get it all out first. So she just settled for wiping his cheeks with her thumbs, although it didn´t do much good since new tears just replaced them.

„I don´t blame you for what happened. I never did. Not even for a second."

„Are you sure?" at this moment, he looked like a little boy. So scared.

She atempted a small smile to cheer him up at least a little bit. „Yeah, I´m sure." And it was her this time who wrapped him up in a hug. She felt his head land on her shoulder, the cold tears already soaking her shirt. „Shhh, it´s ok, Rick." She only felt more tears staining her shirt, so she just held him tighter. „It´s ok, Rick. I´m here. I´m alive. I´ve got you."

After some time, Rick started to calm down, but not before letting out cries full of anguish that tore her heart into shreds.

„Thank you, Kate. Hell, I should be the one holding you and not..." he trailed off.

„Nonsense, Rick." She borrowed Martha´s line. „That´s what partners are for, right?" She pulled back, but just enough to see his face, which left an inch of space between them. His little smile was the best thing she´s seen in days, if not weeks.

„You know, since we are being honest..." Kate trailed off, not sure how to start this certainly unpleasant conversation. „There´s something I have to tell you."

* * *

 _ **TBC**_

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 **Sorry for the kind of cliffhanger, but I couldn´t help myself. Next chapter: Talking about ´the confession.´ I´m not surewhen I´ll be able to post since my timetable is changeable like weather in Britain right now. All mystakes in this story are mine, cuz I don´t have beta, if anyone was interested, PM me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and you´ll stay with me for the rest of the story. Also, I´d like to hear your thoughts. Was it too emotional? Too out of character? Lemme know in the reviews.**

 **xxMonica**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm sorry it took me so long but... well, no excuses. I didn't have any idea how to continue this and I just couldn't get the right words to the paper and all that I wrote for this felt wrong. So I apologize for making you wait for so long. If there is somebody still reading this, I hope you enjoy it and leave a review as well :)**

 **Disclaimer: no I haven't won any lottery while I was away so I still don't own Castle or anything related to it.**

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 _Chapter 3 - Epilogue_

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"We need to talk." Funny how four short words can change the mood so quickly. One moment you're sitting on Kate Beckett's bed (fully clothed mind you) and the next one you are stumbling to your feet while the most beautiful and maddening woman in the world tells you one of the things you never wanted to hear. Four words can change your life.

"I remember everything." _No. NO. What? How? For what?_ This can't be happening. „I remember everything." Everything _. I love you, I love you Kate._ How could she do this to him? How could she just sit there, look like an angel who's been shot down from the sky and tell him that she betrayed him? That she's been lying to him the whole time? He just wanted to help her and now... but _why_?

"I'm so sorry..." _Did he ask out loud?_ He is not sure, he's just sure that he's been betrayed, betrayed by the only woman he's ever loved like the Sun loves the Moon. There, but out of reach. Invisible. Hidden behind lies and fears and snipers and murderers and coffee.

"I'm so sorry, Cas-" He can't. Just, not now. He looked at her and he almost burst into tears at the look on her face. So desperate but still hiding. From him. Enough.

He left.

She didn't follow.

Not yet anyway.

* * *

She just sat there. Unmoving. Shocked. Desperate. Why couldn't she move? She needed to go! _Castle… What had she done?_ He was here, with her and she just had to go and ruin it. She hated herself in this moment for feeling better, the weight that has been pulling her down finally disappeared, only to become a void desperate to be filled with his love. But he left.

She didn't know how. Didn't realize she was moving, running towards the still open door of her apartment. He didn't even close the door. Couldn't bear to turn around and accidentally see the tears running down her face. Maybe it was better that he left.

That thought froze her once again moving legs. _What?!_ Since when didn't she want Castle to be with her? Right. It wasn't safe, it would probably never be safe for him to even be in her vicinity. But… this pain. It was unbearable. It felt as if her chest was caving in on itself in a desperate attempt at filling the void left by his silence. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to see. It hurt to be. To be, without him.

 _She had to go_. Had to explain (but how could she explain to him that she'd been lying to him for so long?), had to apologize (like that would help), she had to do… something! Anything to make him stay, no matter how selfish it was of her to keep asking him to wait. _I waited too long._ Enough. She couldn't let him leave. Not now, not ever. She had to get him back! Now.

She stumbled out of the loft, walked straight past the elevator and practically flew down the stairs. _He couldn't leave_. She ran out of the staircase, straight through reception to the front door of his building. She stumbled over a rug and her toe got hit against the reception desk. That's when she remembered that she wasn't wearing any pants or shoes, only her shirt and boy shorts. _Not important, find Castle!_ Her mind supplied in a kind of a trance.

She ran out of the building and ignored the surprised faces of the few people that had been standing in the hall in these early hours. _What time is it anyway? Not important, find Castle!_ And she did find him. He was standing in a dark alley with his back pressed against a dirty wall, looking up at the dark sky and breathing like he's just ran a marathon. What broke her heart was the single tear running down his face. Just one. She wasn't even worth more than one tear.

When he noticed her standing in the middle of street in just her shirt and shorts, he… started laughing? It was a desperate thing that sounded more like crying but he was choosing to ignore that. "I'm sorry Kate," he said while trying to catch his breath. "you just look so…" his face got serious and he shut his mouth when he saw her incredulous look.

She just stood there in shock.

"Castle, I'm so sorry."

Gone were even the tiniest hints of laughter from his baby blue eyes.

"Sorry for what, Kate? For lying? For not believing in me? For betraying me?"

"I never meant to hurt you!" even to her ears it sounded desperate and so fucking cliché and all kinds of stupid. "Please believe me…" her voice was nothing but a mere whisper in the dark alley. _Please don't leave_ was left unsaid.

"Then why would you keep this from me?"

"I wanted to protect you!"

"Protect me from what?"

"From myself! Because I love you!" it fell out of her mouth before she could stop it. They both just looked at each other in shock. And standing there, in a back of a dark alley, Kate Beckett realized that it was the most honest truth she's ever said out loud.

He wasn't moving. He just looked at her with his mouth open and she was pretty sure he wasn't even breathing. "Please say something, Rick." She pleaded. Something, please.

The use of his first name was probably what got him moving. He looked her in the eyes, his stride never faltering. So confident. He was walking closer, stalking, still looking her in the eyes. Always looking and seeing straight through her façade right into her soul.

His eyes never moved even when he crashed his lips to hers. It was the most desperate kiss of her life and her eyes slipped shut without her noticing. He pressed her against the wall, deepening the kiss and slipping one hand into her hair while the other rested on her waist. Not obtrusive, neither pushing nor pressing , just a warm presence. Just like her Castle.

"Please tell me I didn't just dream that."

"Why, Castle? Do you often dream of kissing me in a dark alley in the middle of New York City while I'm not wearing pants?" she added with a desperate tone in her voice.

"Well-" "Don't answer that!" "Mkay."

They looked into each other's eyes. She could see everything that he wasn't saying in his eyes. His love for her, the desperation to stay but also to run, to hide, to protect himself. From her. _No, that won't do._ If she wants him to stay, she has to be completely honest.

"I know I've said it at least a thousand times already, Rick but I AM sorry. I was stupid to not tell you but you have to understand." _He had to_. "I've never been scared so much in my life then when I thought the sniper hit you instead of me. I couldn't just… I mean, what if it happened again? It would be my fault if something happened to you!"

"Kate-" He wanted to interrupt her but she wouldn't let him.

"No just let me explain." He closed his mouth, his attention fully on her. "I was so scared that whoever send that sniper would come after me again, I was sure of it. So I had to leave. I just wanted to protect you…" She had to pause and swallow something uncomfortable in her throat. This was harder than she thought it would be. "But I realized after a while, with a hughe help of my therapist, that we are the strongest when we are together." When she said that, his eyes lit up like those on a Christmas tree. She wanted to say something more but she didn't even get a chance since his lips were closing in on hers again. This kiss was much gentler than the previous one and when they pulled up for air, Rick just smiled.

"Kate… I forgive you." Four words. Four words that freed her soul flew from his lips like it was nothing, when to her it meant more than the world. She didn't deserve it, she knew that. But. She would make everything in her power to deserve it someday. She promised that out loud to him in a dirty dark alley in the middle of New York, while wearing only shirt and shorts.

Funny how four short words can change the mood so quickly. Four words can change your life.

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 **That's it folks! This story is officially finished and it only took me about a year (lol)! XD Again, sorry for having to wait for it so long. I hope to write more in the not so distant future. Stay tuned! *now fixed the places***

 **XxMonika**


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